Christmas ended a couple days ago. The New Year 2019 will come soon and I can't believe how fast time flies by. In just one year, so many things happened and I also had to face so many changes, also losses. I'm not sure whether those changes were good or bad but sooner or later I will find out. I never would have imagined that all of this would happen.
I fell out of love, fell in love again and got hurt again. Got my heart broken this year but it seems like I survived. I'm doing just fine now and I feel like it made me grow as a person and made me realize that there is more to life than just some boys. I don't need anyone's love for validation. I'm already cool, I'm already loveable, I'm already wanted. I don't need to do anything to earn anyone's love or keep them around. People's interest doesn't need constant stoking. The right people will appreciate and value me on their own. I'm so grateful for all the new friendships and for everyone who supported me throughout 2018 when I was going nuts and had nothing but sadness, insecurities and doubts in me.
I realized that I'm also an own person with dreams and goals. I still have flaws and insecurities that I need to work on but as long as I'm able to label them and am willing to work on them, I think I will be fine. In 2019 I want to become more self-confident and have more self-respect for myself. I also want to stop overthinking and feel less anxious and stressed about things I cannot change. I will do my own thing step-by-step and filter out everyone who doesn't care about me or does me wrong.
"If you had a person in your life, treating you the way you treat yourself, you would have gotten rid of them a long time ago"
I always used to hate how soft-hearted I am. That I can't say no to people and always let them step on me like I'm a secondhand doormat but I also realized that this trait makes me very special and is something I should embrace because not everyone is able to do that. That does not mean that I will continue letting other people disrespect and step on me though. There is a fine difference. How other people treat me is not a reflection of myself but a reflection of themselves. There are already so many people that will hate me so there is no need to hate myself as well, it's just not necessary~
Another thing that is important too is that I want to be more motivated and hardworking in my studies in university. I want to find genuine interest in my major and have fun learning new things everyday. I noticed how I absolutely take it for granted. That I have the chance to go to university and get a degree and good education while so many people can't. I'm able to learn new things everyday and even have a professor and other people who will explain and help me understand it. I remember how I always used to dream about studying computer science in high school and yes I fucking made it! That's actually something I can be very proud of. I realized that I shouldn't just waste my time letting my precious university years pass by without giving my 110%. This is a chance that will never come back, it's not the right time to be on standby mode!
I hope in 2020 I will be able to come back to this post and be a person who the 2019-me can be proud of. Please always keep working harder~~
