2022: Things I want to work on

I have been thinking a lot about self improvement and things that I'm still lacking. There are so many things that I want to improve so I thought: Why not write a blog post about it? I was planning to be more active on this blog anyway! So here you go:

Skills

• Communicate ideas more clearly / effectively
• Practice speaking english
• Read a book chapter / watch a video
• Explain what it was about afterwards

Personal

• Be less anxious / stop overthinking!
• Whenever you start worrying: What's the worst thing that could happen and how would you tackle it? 
• Be more vulnerable
• Put yourself more out there, risk rejection

Nothing can stay unchanged

"Nothing can stay unchanged. Fun things, happy things, they can't possibly remain the same."

-Clannad

I'm graduating soon and I don't know how to feel about it. I quit my secure job and decided to accept an offer to start my PhD in the US. This uncertainty makes me feel anxious and scared. Don't get me wrong. I'm very, very grateful for getting this opportunity and am super excited to join this awesome research lab. I'm just super nervous about moving abroad and hope everything will go well. I have never been so far away from home. I feel like I will miss my family a lot. 

I'm honestly also wondering if I will regret this decision. Will I regret walking away from such a big company and not accepting an offer for a very secure job? One of my coworkers told me that accepting this offer doesn't mean that I will never be able to come back. I feel so grateful for having such understanding and awesome coworkers. I was less afraid that I might have taken the wrong decision. I'm very, very grateful for receiving so much emotional support in this time. Not just from my coworker but also from my thesis advisor and future PhD advisor. I know that it's not easy to be around someone with high anxiety levels. I always try to not take it for granted.

Things that make me happy 🌞

I have always been wondering if the things I'm doing are really things I love doing. Do they make me happy? Is programming my passion or did I just get used to doing it every day? Am I doing the things I love because I really do love them or is it because my parents keep praising me for them? I've come to think about these questions a lot today. However, I don't want to be too philosophical right now. 

I just came here to make a small list of things that make me happy

• crocheting
• learning about the universe 
• trying out some easy youtube cooking videos
• drinking tea to relax (fresh dried jasmine tea)
• eating delicious food (I came to love Ramen in 2021!) 
• journaling about my feelings and thoughts
• playing a cozy game (stardew valley or I would love to pick up a pokemon game on the switch)
• listening to ghibli music
• working out 
• paying more attention to the food I'm eating!
• learning how to be a better programmer
• spending time with my parents

"I'll be happy when..."

I noticed something really strange. I always try to chase things, thinking that they would make me happy when I have them but when I finally do, I don't feel happy at all. I don't feel as fulfilled as I thought I would feel. Chasing things that you think will make you happy don't make you happy at all. I guess what people always tell you is true. Happiness is something that comes from within, your thoughts and how you view things make you happy, it's not something that you can achieve after chasing something that you think will make you happy.

"Don't let your life be a "I'll be happy when...". Be happy now. ☀️"

I want to start doing things where I know for certain that the process itself will make me happy

Grateful 🍃

I'm grateful for my mom for watching over me quietly and taking care of me from behind.
I'm grateful for my dad for genuinely caring about my well-being.
I'm grateful for my brother for cheering me up and always being considerate of my feelings.
I'm grateful for Jenny for always listening to my never ending rants and giving me heartfelt advice.
I'm grateful for Anna for understanding me so well without ever judging me for doing the things I did.
我也非常感谢我大哥一直支持我，教我汉语，并总是告诉我 我常常想要逃避的现实。
I'm grateful to my 大哥 for supporting me, teaching me chinese and always telling me the harsh reality I often want to run away from.

Instead of looking for reasons we are not happy, maybe we are better off looking for reasons we should be

2019: A New Beginning.

Christmas ended a couple days ago. The New Year 2019 will come soon and I can't believe how fast time flies by. In just one year, so many things happened and I also had to face so many changes, also losses. I'm not sure whether those changes were good or bad but sooner or later I will find out. I never would have imagined that all of this would happen.

I fell out of love, fell in love again and got hurt again. Got my heart broken this year but it seems like I survived. I'm doing just fine now and I feel like it made me grow as a person and made me realize that there is more to life than just some boys. I don't need anyone's love for validation. I'm already cool, I'm already loveable, I'm already wanted. I don't need to do anything to earn anyone's love or keep them around. People's interest doesn't need constant stoking. The right people will appreciate and value me on their own. I'm so grateful for all the new friendships and for everyone who supported me throughout 2018 when I was going nuts and had nothing but sadness, insecurities and doubts in me. 

I realized that I'm also an own person with dreams and goals. I still have flaws and insecurities that I need to work on but as long as I'm able to label them and am willing to work on them, I think I will be fine. In 2019 I want to become more self-confident and have more self-respect for myself. I also want to stop overthinking and feel less anxious and stressed about things I cannot change. I will do my own thing step-by-step and filter out everyone who doesn't care about me or does me wrong.

"If you had a person in your life, treating you the way you treat yourself, you would have gotten rid of them a long time ago"

I always used to hate how soft-hearted I am. That I can't say no to people and always let them step on me like I'm a secondhand doormat but I also realized that this trait makes me very special and is something I should embrace because not everyone is able to do that. That does not mean that I will continue letting other people disrespect and step on me though. There is a fine difference. How other people treat me is not a reflection of myself but a reflection of themselves. There are already so many people that will hate me so there is no need to hate myself as well, it's just not necessary~

Another thing that is important too is that I want to be more motivated and hardworking in my studies in university. I want to find genuine interest in my major and have fun learning new things everyday. I noticed how I absolutely take it for granted. That I have the chance to go to university and get a degree and good education while so many people can't. I'm able to learn new things everyday and even have a professor and other people who will explain and help me understand it. I remember how I always used to dream about studying computer science in high school and yes I fucking made it! That's actually something I can be very proud of. I realized that I shouldn't just waste my time letting my precious university years pass by without giving my 110%. This is a chance that will never come back, it's not the right time to be on standby mode!

I hope in 2020 I will be able to come back to this post and be a person who the 2019-me can be proud of. Please always keep working harder~~